Oy Vey

This Chef’s Help-Wanted Ad Is Amazingly Brutal

What awaits Justin's new hire.
What awaits Justin’s new hire. Photo: Srdjan Suki/© Corbis. All Rights Reserved.

An American chef working in Scotland (“Justin,” he calls himself) has posted a hilariously frank, Gordon Ramsay-esque classifieds ad for a line cook. Titled “Looking for someone fast, progressive, and not a total **** for a new restaurant in Clarkston,” the masterpiece stretches 1,098 words. Gumtree has removed the ad, but a cached version will live on for eternity. Here are the highlights:

• “It’s a breakfast/brunch/lunch place to start, but there are no eggs Benedicts. Go on, wrap your head around that and then continue reading. I’ll wait.”

• “If you have one [cover letter] that says you’re a ‘hard-working team player that can also function well alone’ and that you ‘value customer service and punctuality’ I will stab myself in the face with a pencil and nobody will get a job.”

• “There’s no money. There’s £7/hr and some tips, 25-35 hours a week. Deal with it. … Don’t come to an interview and then say it sounds great but you’ve got your kid’s school clothes to buy or whatever. I don’t care.”

• “What you cannot do is be a pain in my balls because my life savings is on the line and I have to work with my wife all day so I don’t have time for any primadonna bullshit.”

• “If you think I sound like an obnoxious dickhead, congratulations. You are observant and will go far in life. Don’t let it discourage you, though. I’m only a dickhead for the first three years you know me. After that I’m a total sweetheart.”

[Independent UK]

This Chef’s Help-Wanted Ad Is Amazingly Brutal